This is a compendium of what I regard as the best of a huge number of jokes about violas and violists.  I have shamelessly stolen from several different sites; to wit, viola jokes from "OXymoron," defunct humor site at Merton College, Oxford; a mathematics/physics student in Holland (his site has now disappeared); someone at MIT;  and a New York musician, Pete Levin. By the way, the MIT viola jokes site also has a page devoted to a rather humorless paper presented at a folklore/enthnomusicology conference, in which a  folklorist/enthnomusicologist/violist  (talk about somebody who gets no respect) discourses on why violists are the butt of so many jokes.

How do you know there's a group of viola players at your door? None of them can find the right key and none of them knows when to come in.

What's the definiton of ``perfect pitch?'' Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? The seamstress tucks up the frills.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (1.) The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. ( 2.) Who cares?

Why don't violists play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common? They're both offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis? The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? You could fit in at least one more.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? (1.)  Half a measure. (2.)  A semi-tone.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.

Why is a viola like a grenade? When you hear it, it's too late.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A dog knows when to stop scratching.

How was the canon invented? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player? Upward mobility.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the similarity between the  Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra? Neither has played together since 1970.

What's the difference between a viola player and Dr. Scholl's Footpads? Dr. Scholl's bucks up the feet.

What's the difference between a viola and a macaw? One makes obnoxious, irritating, non-musical noises.  The other is a bird.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a viola? A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.

What's the difference between a violist and a puppy? The puppy will stop whining eventually.

What's the only thing separating violists from apes? The 2nd violin section.

How is the viola defined in physics textbooks? A friction-driven, vibrating, manually-operated, musical pitch-approximator.